Measuring Time After Grief

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the day our little girl was still born. Of course the whole nightmare began weeks before but this is the day I will remember her on. When thinking back it is hard to believe that it has been a year. First we counted the time in hours, then days.....weeks.....months.....and now years. To be completly honest sometimes it seems like the tragedy never happened, other times it seems more real than I can believe.

The flowers above are the arraingement we had made for Baby Charlsie, my sweet brother picked them up and will take them to her grave tomorrow. As my husband says ,"You know these are for you and not for her." Yes I know it but I need to remember her somehow and plan to do it every year for as long as I can. I wanted something sweet and feminine, something baby like and fresh. I think that this bouquet fits the bill.

Honestly I don't want this post to be all sad. So much good has come from her death. Our marriage was greatly strengthened by her passing. I know that tragedy sometimes drives couples apart but this last year has been the best of our whole marriage, all six years. Our family is closer, we realize what it is to lose a child and I think that makes us cherish our living children even more. It also made us realize that we are not entitled to anything. Only by Gods grace do we live, breath, have healthy children....etc......I'm not going to lie, there have been some very sad days around here, sometimes my emotions do not shape up the way I want them to, sometimes I don't understand why I feel the way I feel, then I am reminded that grief is a strange thing and you really can not predict where it will take you. I am so thankful that we have God during this time, I have thought for a long time that I do not know how people make it with out Him! He has been our strenghth, comfort, and rock! We chose the middle name Grace for baby Charlsie because it was His grace that got us through, and that continues to be the case even to this day!

Because of all this we are so thankful for the new little one growing inside me! We feel so blessed that God would choose to give us another child. Our whole family is more excited that you would believe about this baby. I almost feel like it is a first pregnancy because of the expectancy and joy I feel. I would really like to skip the next few weeks and go to the birth so I can hold this little person and love this baby like I did not get to last time.

I thank all of you so much who have been a support this last year, your love, encouragement, and listening ears have kept us going and gotten us through some tough times!

"I Don't Really Want to Keep Her Anymore"

Today Micah came in the kitchen where I was working and he was pretty upset. Apparently Maddie had broken one of his toy bullets and he was not happy about it. Casually and not too loudly he said-I don't really want to keep her anymore!" I figured out he was talking about his sister and told him that really wasn't an option.

Then I told Michael what had happened so he talked to Micah and asked him if he just wanted to give her away, Micah did not seem to opposed to this idea!

I think this all came from the fact that in the past we have talked about getting rid of our dog. She got into everything and caused lots of trouble, now we really love her and she has redeemed her self and turned into a wonderful dog. I guess Micah thought that if we could get rid of Jed, the dog, then why not Maddie.

Here are some pictures for your enjoyment, what a difference a haircut makes! Micah has gone from looking like a little boy to looking like a big boy! The third picture is of the kids helping sort out little stones for part of our well digging project, I love it when we can all get involved in ministry!

Tiny Fingers, Tiny Toes

As the first anniversary of our stillbirth approaches I thought I would post a poem that a sweet friend of ours wrote. She lost her hubby a year before we lost baby Charlsie so she was really able to understand what we were going through. She printed out the poem, touched it up to look like a scrap booking page and put it on a wooden frame. I love the poem and love having a tangible reminder of our baby. I will post more on this as the time draws near but just wanted to share this poem with you all!

Tiny fingers, tiny toes. What they would have been -God only knows.

What were you to become? Who were you to be? What if it had been up to me?

Would you be a great missionary? Would you be a teacher of Gods Word?
"I'm so proud of you!" From me you would have heard.

If only I could hold you a while. Gaze upon you and see your smile.
To dream of the day that you would have bounced on my knee.
That is what I need.

Your mark was left here without even a word.
Yet, you have touched me very deeply and changed my world.

You will touch lives of all those around us. Because I am strong and
in the Lord find my solace. People will know that the Lord has upheld us.

I will always dream and wonder what was to be. What were you to become?
Who were you to be? What if it had been up to me?

BUT- God's plan is greater still. Souls will be saved because of my strong will.

AND- If I listen closely above the din of my cry, I hear the Lord say,
"Be still and know that I am God."

I share this to open a window up into our lives. Sometimes being honest is very difficult but also very necessary. I also share it because it greatly ministered to me and I hope that if you have shared a loss it will minister to you too!