Friday, June 15, 2007

Measuring Time After Grief

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the day our little girl was still born. Of course the whole nightmare began weeks before but this is the day I will remember her on. When thinking back it is hard to believe that it has been a year. First we counted the time in hours, then days.....weeks.....months.....and now years. To be completly honest sometimes it seems like the tragedy never happened, other times it seems more real than I can believe.
The flowers above are the arraingement we had made for Baby Charlsie, my sweet brother picked them up and will take them to her grave tomorrow. As my husband says ,"You know these are for you and not for her." Yes I know it but I need to remember her somehow and plan to do it every year for as long as I can. I wanted something sweet and feminine, something baby like and fresh. I think that this bouquet fits the bill.
Honestly I don't want this post to be all sad. So much good has come from her death. Our marriage was greatly strengthened by her passing. I know that tragedy sometimes drives couples apart but this last year has been the best of our whole marriage, all six years. Our family is closer, we realize what it is to lose a child and I think that makes us cherish our living children even more. It also made us realize that we are not entitled to anything. Only by Gods grace do we live, breath, have healthy children....etc......I'm not going to lie, there have been some very sad days around here, sometimes my emotions do not shape up the way I want them to, sometimes I don't understand why I feel the way I feel, then I am reminded that grief is a strange thing and you really can not predict where it will take you. I am so thankful that we have God during this time, I have thought for a long time that I do not know how people make it with out Him! He has been our strenghth, comfort, and rock! We chose the middle name Grace for baby Charlsie because it was His grace that got us through, and that continues to be the case even to this day!
Because of all this we are so thankful for the new little one growing inside me! We feel so blessed that God would choose to give us another child. Our whole family is more excited that you would believe about this baby. I almost feel like it is a first pregnancy because of the expectancy and joy I feel. I would really like to skip the next few weeks and go to the birth so I can hold this little person and love this baby like I did not get to last time.
I thank all of you so much who have been a support this last year, your love, encouragement, and listening ears have kept us going and gotten us through some tough times!


Blogger Tanya Kangas said...

Wow, I loved that post. Thanks for being so transparent and vulnerable. We have all learned so much by watching you and your family walk through this. God's grace is amazing. God's abundant blessings on you during this anniversary. Can't wait to meet baby Charlsie one day and the new little one soon!

11:40 AM

Blogger Anne Jones said...

What a great put into words something so difficult. Our son Carson was stillborn two years ago, and each year on his birthday, we release balloons up to heaven. My daughter decorates the balloons by drawing pictures and writing her name, and then my husband and I write a small note before we release them. It is our family's special way to remember him, to celebrate his life, and to think about how glorious it will be when we are with him again in Heaven!

Prayers of blessings for you and your family!

1:55 PM

Blogger Michelle said...

Very very touching.
I don't know what to say, but then again I'm not the most hormonally stable person right now.
I'd probably just end up crying.

11:52 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Charlsie, God is using this story to bless so many and teach me more about who He really is. Thank you for being open about everything: your emotions and struggles and especially your joys!

Y'all are in my prayers! :)


allie christensen :)

1:59 PM

Blogger Michelle said...

Hello there, I tagged you over at my blog for a cool meme.

2:35 PM

Blogger Laura said...

Thank you for sharing these tender thoughts with us, and for allowing us to enter into your grief, joy, and thoughts even in a small way. I thank God that He has been with you in the darkness.

12:49 PM

Blogger Michelle said...

You've been nominated for an award here . . .How as the baby been treating you?

7:33 PM


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